Free eBooks Are Free for a Reason

Okay, so you've heard me talk about my love and addiction to my Kindle.  The whole reason I wanted one was due to the fact that I am a voracious reader, and was becoming concerned that my home would become a fire hazard due to the number of books inhabiting my space.  I also thought that it would somehow be cheaper for me, but I haven't quite sorted that out just yet.  Hardcover versions are definitely cheaper, but still not as cheap as the paperbacks I can get at WalMart.

Anyway, before I would indulge myself and spend a whole $8.99 on a book, I decided to check out the free ebooks that were offered.  Of course, there are all of the classics that are available to read, but there are others as well, usually by authors I am unfamiliar with.  This is not a stretch, though, because my experience with modern authors is really only relegated to about 5 or 6 names, and I stick to them like glue.

So, I decided to try a few.  What I eventually came to learn is that these free books are free for a variety of reasons:

1. The book is the first of a series, and the free book is a teaser, to encourage the reader to purchase the other 321 books in the series.
2. The book is a self-published book
3. The author is "published", but by some unknown publishing company, likely located in someone's basement

Now, I had no real idea about the whole self-publishing thing (stay tuned, because I'm going to do it, myself), and I thought that there would be some indicator somewhere telling me that what I was reading was not a "legitimate" book: one that was actually sold in some random bookstore somewhere.  Even if only in the discount bin.

My first indication that something was not quite right was when the page formatting sometimes appeared wonky on my device.  Sometimes pages would be half blank, or paragraphs would be entirely repeated, pages later.  I assumed it was the fault of my device.  I was wrong.

My second indication was revealed when I noticed incorrect spelling and grammar usage.  A lot of it.  I'm not talking about the difference between "who" and "whom", but obvious things, like, using the word "meat" instead of "meet."  There was one book I read which used the word "willow" in random, multiple places, sometimes in capitalized format, sometimes not.  I initially thought it was some fake word or descriptive, used to imply the fantasy setting of the story.  It wasn't.  I even tried to sort out if the author had been using auto-correct and that perhaps the intended word was "will" or "wind", but, no.  Someone wouldn't be wearing a "will" dress or a "windy" dress.  Or a "Willow" dress, for that matter.

In other books, I found myself reading and re-reading, and having to page through previous paragraphs and chapters in order to determine of what or of whom I was reading.

"Johnny nervously glanced around the room and avoided the stair of Miss Lockley."

Wait, I thought it just said that Miss Lockley was out shopping for the day.  Did I miss that part?  I mean, Johnny was just thinking to himself that he was glad she was gone.  How did she get in the room?  Is there some other Miss Lockley?  A sister?  Or does it mean he didn't want to go upstairs? Is her room up there?  What the hell is this?


You do see what I mean, don't you?

While part of me is excited that I can run English language rings around 90% of these authors, the other part of me is intimidated by the sheer number of titles out there.  Thank goodness I won't be writing anything on the subject of vampires or werewolves, no one would ever find my book.  There are thousands of books out there, it is absolutely mind-boggling.

Sadly, some of them are actually quite good, but I often wonder what the likelihood is of  being noticed, when one has to first peruse 2,372 other books on the matter, some of which have received dubious five star reviews.

I won't even go into the fact (ha) that some of the reviews include the phrase "award winning author" (what was the award? First Prize Turnip in the local Farm Day Fair?).  Or that some of the books are very religious/Christian-oriented, and you don't realize it until 20 pages in, when you've noticed that the main character keeps praying aloud and constantly mentioning his/her Faith whenever there is a dilemma. Now, I'm not against Christian or religious stories, but at least mention it in the book description.  I feel like it's a sneak attack.  Translation: one less customer.

Anyway, in the end, they're FREE, and I suppose that this is the risk one takes when being too cheap to spend $8.99.  Just know, however, that when I do publish mine, it won't be free.  But, at the very least, it will be properly formatted and be mostly decipherable.  Maybe I'll even throw in some Christian werewolves for the fun of it.

Raising Girls Who Burp in Public

So, recently, I was out shoe shopping, and, what normally is a decent experience for me turned into something extremely annoying.

It so  happens that I picked a bad time to shop, because every girl in the region was shopping for Graduation shoes.  This got my annoyance meter running, because teenage girls are very loud, they walk right in front of you when you are trying to browse, and they leave crap all over the place.  This was not the ultimate highlight of my annoyance, however.

Enter a Family of three:  a grandma, a daughter, a granddaughter.

Grandma is moving through the rows with her shopping cart, b-tching the entire time that she can't find her size and that there are no good shoe choices.  Grandma is perhaps in her 60's, so she's not ancient and walker-bound.  Thus, I feel no guilt in complaining about her.  She is mindlessly wandering ahead of the other two, and thus, a lot of yelling commences.

:"MOM, WHAT ABOUT THESE?!"
"I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT ANYTHING WITH FLOWERS, DAMMIT!"
"HOW 'BOUT THESE?"
"I HATE RED SHOES!"

As I am trying to concentrate on my shoe agenda, I hear a loud shoe clomping noise to my right.  It's the daughter.  Now, I had assumed that her shoes were clomping because she was trying them on and seeing how they fit.  They were very high, leather, closed toe wedges.  Pretty, but appropriate for work or perhaps going-out attire.  Not appropriate for short jean shorts, very white legs, and a tee shirt.  I'm sure she doesn't see me eyeing her getup, because she is now yelling to Grandma that she has found the perfect shoe and would find Grandma's size.

It seemed that everywhere I went, Clomping Suzy would follow.  It was with some slight horror that I discovered that these shoes on her feet were not being "test run", they were, in fact, her own shoes.  Clomp, clomp, clomp, and I'm thinking, "what the hell made you think those were the right shoes to pick for today?  And if you're gonna wear them, learn to %#@$@^& walk in them!!"

Anyway, I digressed there.  As my clomping friend is finding more perfect shoes for Grumpy Grandma, the two of them are yelling at Granddaughter and telling her to keep up with the pack.  Granddaughter is sitting on the floor in the middle of one of the aisles, doing I don't know what.  This is a 10-12 year old girl, mind, not a 4 year old.  And the aisles are small and difficult to navigate.  People are having to nearly climb over her.

Granddaughter now starts yelling across the store and complaining.

"GRANDMA, HOW COME YOU DON'T LIKE THESE?  THESE ARE GOOD ONES!  LOOK AT THESE!"

Grandma is like, 50 aisles away.  So, I've had enough of this yelling, and I give a Glare of Death to Granddaughter.  A real scorcher.  Granddaughter saunters over to my row, pauses behind me, burps, and then skips along her merry way.  I shake my head, chuckle sarcastically and say, "Nice."

Now, I know.  I shouldn't expect much from a girl who has Grumpy Grandma and inappropriately garbed Clomping Suzy for a sister (or mother?  I don't know), but for Pete's sake.  It's really quite sad, because, looking at this trio, you know that there will only be more generations to follow, all yelling across aisles in stores, wearing bad shoes, and thinking burping in public is appropriate.

While you have heard me speak of how Mothers get blamed for ridiculous child behavior, this is one case in which I'd have to agree.  B-tching and yelling begets clomping and yelling begets burping and yelling.  What's next?  Public pooping and yelling?

Remember, folks, lead by example.  Good example.  Otherwise, you and yours will suffer the Glare.