Earlier this year, my family encountered the task of planning the wake and funeral for my father. When it came to the topic of music selection, we discussed the standard choices, and further discussed the fact that many of these songs did not feel "uplifting." The main reason being the fact that you only hear these songs sung at funerals; thus, your present sad occasion is now linked to every other sad occasion you have experienced throughout your lifetime. I could be at a circus, and if I heard the strains of "Here I Am, Lord" somewhere, it would bring on instantaneous sadness and tears.
The best Funeral Mass I have ever attended was that of my friend's father. It's interesting that the speeches you always hear at such occasions is that we should be celebrating the life of the person who has passed, but there is never anything that really appears to be celebratory, in my eyes. Yes, there is the idea that it is glorious that the person is now in Heaven, and I think that is what the stock song selections are supposed to impart, but to me, there is absolutely no comfort in that. At the Mass I mentioned above, there was a gospel choir. There were people dancing at the Mass. It was sad, but it was uplifting. This particular congregation really got the idea of celebrating a person's life, and being sad yet joyful about the whole Heaven thing. The entire time I was thinking, "This is what I want for my Mass... this is how it should always be done.."
Now, I do not consider myself an overly religious person, but I do have my own ideas about death and the afterlife. I am not uncomfortable with the idea of death, or of kneeling before bodies, and I am generally at peace with the idea of what happens when a person leaves this Earth. I honestly do not need anything extra for comfort (you already know my stance on hugging), and truly, most of the things surrounding our mourning rituals and traditions harbor quite the opposite effect. I am "okay" with our current rituals, but I think there could be some improvements.
I have to say that I am conflicted about the whole idea of an "open" casket at a wake. We have all heard the jokes of how strange it is to hear the comment that someone "looks good" while lying in state, when in fact, they are dead. I'm really not sure the purpose of having viewing hours. I'm guessing that it is to provide the opportunity for folks to have one last look at a loved one, and perhaps it provides comfort in some way. Often, though, the person in the casket looks nothing like the photos or memory reels that play back in one's head. When I think of my father, I think of his days in his garden, of him dancing with my mother, of him sitting on the couch with his dark farmer's tan shown off by a contrasting white shirt. I didn't need a "one last look," because I already knew him in my heart and in my mind. I can't imagine that seeing the shell of the person you love is comforting, in any way. It's really rather strange, and maybe even a little morbid.
I understand that older generations have different feelings on this subject, and of course, I mean no disrespect of any sort. I just know, though, after years of this particular type of experience, that I want something different for myself, when I go. I have given explicit instructions to my son that there must be a gospel choir around somewhere, and that I'm pretty sure I don't want anyone looking at my dead body which will probably be sporting some weird hairdo, too much makeup, and a double chin. I have threatened to haunt him or anyone who suggests "On Eagle's Wings" or "Here I am Lord" to be sung at my services. If we absolutely have to do the whole walking behind my coffin into church thing, the song better be a good one.
I'm not saying we have to be happy and cheerful when a person dies, but I'm not sure that singing these horrible songs and having the open casket is helpful. It's certainly not comforting nor uplifting. Not to me, at least. I know that I will have more of these sad occasions to attend in my lifetime (I have hit my quota for this year, though, so I forbid anyone else in my family to die), and I will always be okay up until the point when one of those songs are sung, but I do take some comfort in the fact that when I'm attending my own wake and funeral, I won't be depressed and using an entire box of tissues.
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