The Difference Between Love and love

I remember when I was growing up, thinking about the whole romantic notion of love.  Since I had been told often I would “just know” when it happened, despite my infinite questions, I believed it.

As I grew older, I started kind of doubting the whole “you’ll just know” concept.  I had occasions where it felt like love, but I wasn’t sure.  And, if I wasn’t sure, how could it be love?  If it had all the earmarks of love- the whole pining away and walking on air and can’t sleep descriptives- then how could it not be love?

Well, many many heartbreaks and girl chats and gallons of ice cream later, I sorted it out, because when I did hit the Love jackpot, I did “just know.”

Over the years, I had many opportunities to watch, listen, and learn about the topic.  Before I had encountered the big L love, I was already forming some pretty firm ideas in my mind about what I knew it certainly wasn’t.  I discovered that people had their own definitions and beliefs about love, some of which seemed a little inferior.  After years of being an unpaid counselor to many a relationship, I began to see some definite patterns developing.  I'm no expert, of course, but it's amazing what you can learn just by listening- really listening- to others, particularly when you're not involved in your own relationship battle.  It's also amazing how many times I've had to ask, "have you said any of this to him/her?"

Anyway, I’m going to wander off topic if I don’t reel myself back in.  What I discovered through my investigations and personal experiences, was that, when it comes to romantic partnerships, there are two different types of love.  The little “L” love, and the big “L” Love.  It seems that there is a lot of little "L" love that is mistaken for the big L Love.  (Reminder, I said romantic partnerships,  I didn't say "family feelings" or "hobby love.")

Little L love (just “love” henceforth) is generally what happens at the beginning of a new relationship.  Let’s call it “intense like.”  There is attraction on both sides, there is happiness, some air-walking, etc.  It's exciting and fun, but neither of you has gotten to the Big L just yet.  Little love is also what is experienced when the feelings on both sides are not completely mutual.  I think that’s a big one, and I see girls/women experiencing this one all the time, so I’m going to break off here for a bit and just talk about that.

I’m going to provide a little list of statements for those who believe themselves to be in Love, when it's really not:

- he hasn’t called me in six days, and it’s not because he’s away or in the hospital
- I asked him to go to a really important function with me, and he declined, with no legitimate reason (I’m talking about functions where you really need some support, and have directly said so…funerals, weddings, etc.)
- I’ve read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and he seems to fit the description.  But, he took me to dinner the other night and we had really great sex afterwards
- I feel like I’m doing the pursuing all the time
- I love him, but I’m not sure if he’s there yet, with me
- I can’t stop thinking about him, I told him that, and he laughed

The thing is, in order for Love to be present, it has to be mutually felt and demonstrated.  To put it plainly, the other person has to Love you back.  I'm talking 150% from both sides.  I think that often we accept a 150%-40% split, and believe that to be okay.  We concentrate on the crappy 40%, because we're so enamoured and okay with giving giving giving, that we're blind to the fact that the other 110% is missing.  I'm not talking about making internal tally lists, and I don't care if you've got the biggest heart full of love for the person.  If the other doesn't Love you back, 150%, it's not Love.  Re-read that sentence.  Don't bother arguing.

I myself, figured out the real Love thing when I realized that I had no doubts or confusion on the whole matter.  I didn't need to chat with my girlfriends to see if they interpreted the "signs" the same way.  After I allowed the deconstruction of the protective wall around my heart, I found the true meaning of what it is to truly trust and have faith in a person.  I didn't need to ask myself (or him) if he Loved me, because everything he did or said was a demonstration of the fact.  We both gave 150%, and it was pretty damned awesome.

Anyway, I think that too many of us settle for love, thinking it's Love.  I think that some people have never gotten to the Love stage in their romantic lives.  I think that people who have experienced Love will recognize if they're back in plain old love territory years down the line.  It can kind of stink, to be honest.

Big Love can kind of make you a little jaded, if you lost it and are searching again.  "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is a bunch of crap.  Don't ever say that to someone who is broken-hearted, regardless of whether it was from Love or love.  Same goes for the whole other fish in the sea adage.  Hmm.  Maybe I need to write a post on heartbreak as well.  But, for now, I'll end this here.

 Remember, it's not Love if it's not 150% mutual.  Be honest with yourselves.  It will save you, in the end.