Warning!!!

People who read this blog may experience side effects such as nausea, vomiting, and explosive diarrhea.  A small number of people who read this blog also experienced nightmares,  migraines, an overwhelming fear of water chestnuts, inability to operate small electronic devices, sleeplessness, increased fatigue, hyperactivity, depression, and an increased desire for products containing alcohol.  If you experience any of these symptoms while reading this blog, please consult your doctor.  This blog is not intended for use by anyone under the age of 10, anyone between the ages of 12 and 22, 26 and 49, 51 and 97, or for people who are suffering from bad jobs, feelings of inadequacy, or those with a desire to dress as clowns.

Something which has often amused my son and I are the warnings which conclude every commercial for particular prescription drugs.  Call me crazy, but, a drug which is supposed to be used for constipation which may cause stomach pain, headaches or inability to control your bowels does not sound like a fix for that problem.  Frankly, the resulting symptoms sound worse than the original problem.  Unless you live in a cave with a private nurse, a private bathroom, and never have to go anywhere public, trying a new prescription seems potentially hazardous to your health.

The listing of possible side effects is usually never ending, sometimes contradictory, and impossible to really determine.  Have you ever read an article describing symptoms for some deadly disease?  “If you experience fatigue, headaches, sleeplessness, or slight depression countered with feelings of rage, you may have _______ deadly disease.”  Okay, well that describes probably 90% of parents in the population.  I’m pretty sure I would never be able to determine something serious, based on these symptoms.  Give me something unique, like, “desire to eat bugs,” or, “uncontrollable urge to do your laundry,” then I’d really know something was wrong.  Not “sleeplessness.”  Come on.  I haven’t slept in 18 years.

While I love the internet and all, it can really muddy up the waters of self diagnosis.  I recently had a strange case of palsy like symptoms on the right side of my face.  While I suspected it was due to allergies, I had never experienced such a thing, and it worried me a little.  Well, I started investigating on line and, while there were articles confirming my allergy suspicion, there were also plenty of other articles on brain tumors.  “It worried me a little” became “I’m going to die.”

I was watching Jeff Foxworthy a long time ago, and he was doing a sketch on product warnings and how ridiculous they are.  He was discussing the fact that on a box of hemorrhoid cream, there was a warning along the lines of “do not ingest by mouth.”  He then goes into a speech on the fact that the reason the warning is there is because someone probably actually tried eating hemorrhoid cream.  Now this may seem far-fetched (and perhaps made up), the idea that we, the human race, have created the need for ridiculous warnings, but it's likely true.

Remember my chat about dishonest insurance claims?  Well, there’s part of it, right there.  I’d wager to guess that a large percentage of the warnings we see are a result of the fear of being sued.  It’s a little sad that humans have been reduced to this sniveling, whining, “but you didn’t tell me ahead of time that this ‘hottest wing sauce in the world’ was going to be really hot…!”  Good Lord, people.

Anyway, I think I’ve covered my share of complaining and grumpiness these past two weeks and I‘m sending my soapbox on vacation.  At least, I think I am.  In the meantime, go out for a walk, hug your dads, be nice to each other, and enjoy your life.  I mean it!