Flip Flops

Well, it’s the open-toe season, which means that the world will now be subject to viewing the toes, and often, feet of complete strangers.  I do not like toes nor feet, unless they are owned by a baby between the ages of 3 days and 12 months old.  After that, no thanks.

I understand the whole ‘allure’ of pretty and perky toes peeping from a scandalous sling back.  How the multitude of designs and enhancements to TOENAILS (yeah, they’re TOENAILS, people) have greatly improved our world of fashion in unimaginable ways.  I also get that some women (sorry, men, you are completely OUT on this one) have somewhat attractive toes.

I said, "some women."  Not "half," not "a large number," not "most," but, emphatically, "some."  And by "some" I mean "three."

The rest of you are OUT, with the men.

Flip flops.  Tsk tsk.

Flip flops enable one to have viewing access to the ENTIRE FOOT of a complete stranger, or sometimes even a loved one.  This includes feet adorned by hangnails, hairy toes, dry skin, corns, calluses, funk, and yes, even diamond encrusted toenails.

I am here to enlighten all of you, about the proper usage and display of flip flops.  Flip flops are for:

#1. Getting out of the shower.  In your own home, or at a place where athlete’s foot may be prevalent.

#2. Walking from the beach boardwalk to your car/hotel room, at which point you will immediately switch to something else.  Further on that subject, flip flops do not generally work in the sand.  We have to see your feet anyway, just take the buggers off so you can save yourself the embarrassment of looking like a loping moron and additionally plowing up large sprays of sand onto your fellow beach goers.

#3. Walking a short distance in which a very minute number of people will be exposed to your feet.  A walk to the corner store which is the distance of 2-3 houselengths, tops.  A quick run into the dry cleaners when you are double parked.  Taking the garbage out.

#4. Walking around in your own home, when there are no guests or small children present.

That is, as they say, all, folks.

Now, there are many of you who are vehemently attached to the idea of using your flip flops in any way you see fit, and feel that I have been far too prejudiced in my allowances for flip flop usage.

To further expand on the topic, I will also inform the unenlightened of improper flip flop display and usage.  Flip flops are NOT for:

#1.  Walking farther than the distance of 2-3 houselengths.  This is a scientific issue, my friends, not purely a fashion faux pas.  There is absolutely no arch/ankle support in that thin slab of rubber/straw/plastic to which you are entrusting your feet.  None.  Your feet will crumble and fall off (not the flip flops, however, they are indestructible) if you attempt a day of "touring the city" in said flip flops.  Do not do this.

#2. Wearing in a public venue where you will be seated closely to a potential stranger, wherein your feet (attractive, or not.  Remember, there are only 3 of you out there) will not only be in close proximity to your seatmate, but also in plain view, thereby forcing others to look at your feet.  For a very long period of time.  With unfortunate innocent seatmate having no option to cover them with a blanket, or change his seat, or alert the authorities.  It’s bad enough that people have to look at your feet, let alone be so close to them that they could actually be touched by them (ew) with no chance of escape.

#3. Anything beside what I mentioned in my first list.

I am unsure as to why people believe that flip flops are okay to use in the public arena.  I guess they’re comfortable enough, but, so are slippers, and most people don’t brandish them freely.  At least slippers usually cover up the feet.

And, while I'm at it, I'd like to mention to the people who wear flip flops to work:  I don’t care if they have flowers and jewels on them, they’re inappropriate, and so are your feet.  And so is the annoying sound they make.

Overall, flip flops are our strange way of exposing the ugliest part of our bodies, and have somehow become acceptable, even in genteel society.   What’s next?  Adding glued-on feathers to our hairy moles?  Special fluorescent makeup for our pimples?  Red markers highlighting our scabs and scars?  Come on, people, hide that stuff!

Flip flop wearers should be shunned and eventually arrested if they insist on wearing them outside the confines of my four, easy to follow rules.  Unless they are a child under the age of 12 months.  Or, one of the three known humans with semi-attractive toes.   You’re not one of them.  I don’t want to see your feet.  Ever.  Thank you.