Rude Drivers

Well, I am unsure as to whether this subject belongs under the “Decline of Humanity” heading, but I suppose if flip flops made it, why not add rude drivers to the list?

The reason I was unsure is that I often suspect that people, when they get behind the wheel of their vehicles, imagine themselves in an alternate dimension, or suddenly become mind controlled zombies with one purpose:  MUST.  GET.  THERE.  Since there may be some alien influence on the conduct of many drivers, this perhaps should be under another topic, entitled, “Stupid Things Humans Do Which Must Be Caused by Extraterrestrials.”  95% of driver behavior is so bad, I can only guess that this is not purposeful human behavior.

I suppose that I wasn’t as irritated by rude drivers before I became the transporter of another human being, namely, my backwards-facing infant strapped to a piece of plastic and metal.  Suddenly, rude drivers weren’t just “bad”, they were the intentionally evil humans who were out to murder me and my child.  I was literally awestruck at how selfish, stupid, and uncaring for human lives people could be.

As unlikely as it may seem, I am one of those people who believe that, deep down inside, about half of humanity is “good.”  Maybe even more than half.  I’m one of those who believes, when the going gets really really tough, there will be the bad ones who rape and pillage, but there will be the good ones, too.  There is a really interesting sidebar here, regarding “end of times” and the possible destruction of humanity (for real), and whether people are really just animals by nature, but I will save that for another post.  What I will say, though, is that these mindless bad drivers may actually be good, on the inside.  This may be a fancy I have created in my head, in an attempt to believe that people are not monsters.  They’re just being mind-controlled.  Yeah, that’s it.

Since I am supposed to be discussing rude driving behavior, I guess I should actually provide some examples of it, and how it is destroying humanity and everything good in it.

Let’s start with the use of the “signal” or, “turn indicator.”  For those of you who do not know, there is a lever located on or near your steering wheel.  Depressing it in a downward fashion will cause some small lights located on the front and rear of your vehicle to blink, indicating to other drivers in your surroundings that you intend or wish to move your vehicle in a left-ward direction.  Similarly, pressing this lever in an upward fashion will indicate your intention or wish to move your vehicle in a right-ward direction.

Oh, there are so many sub-topics here.  Since it seems that 89.4% of the driver population either have broken or missing levers, broken pinkies, or short term memory loss when they enter their vehicles(or are mind controlled), we can start with that group.  The group which refuses (or is unable) to use the lever.  Ever.

This is the group that will slow down dramatically for no apparent reason, and you are forced to use your Extra Sensory Perception in order to determine whether your life is in danger, or, at the very least, you will incur massive points on your license and suffer hikes in your insurance rates.  Yes, folks, it’s up to you to figure out if the person is braking for an animal or small child, is looking for a house or landmark, is looking for a parking spot, or suffering a cerebral hemorrhage and you should be calling 9-1-1.

The Kind and Forgiving Catherine reasons that perhaps the person is lost and confused, is scared, or is experiencing a serious health condition, and thus, has temporarily forgotten the lever.  The unforgiving, “I Hate People” Catherine, who has been stuck behind this non signal-using continual brake-r for 3 miles is starting to resemble Cruella de Ville.  You know, red eyes filled with rage, hair standing on edge, maybe even some steam erupting from the ears.

A note of advice to the lever forgetters who are genuinely lost or confused: there is another button located in your car which will enable the use of things called “hazard” flashers. Use them instead. It's only one button to push and you don't have to try to remember how to depress it.  This way we only have to guess whether your car is breaking down or if you just don't know where the hell you're going.  At least we know in advance to get out of your lane or suffer the consequences.
To the rest of you, there is a special level in Hell reserved just for you and your kind.

Now, let’s move on to the other drivers who are kind enough to use the lever, but have forgotten that a flasher is used to show directional intent, rather than a brazen and murderous announcement that they can go wherever they please because they pressed it.  These are the same people who never check their blind spot (what’s a blind spot?), who weave in and out of lanes, who cut you off, who enter a 65 mile per hour speedway at a rate of 2 m.p.h.(or 82 m.p.h.) and cause 47 car pileups.  They believe that the lever is their ticket to freedom.  Their equivalent of emergency vehicle light bars.  The lever is their god-mode.

A note of advice to you people:  go back to Drivers’ Education and re-learn what you have forgotten.  Using your lever/turn indicator translates to this:  I would like to change lanes/I will be turning at the next intersection/I am entering the highway, PROVIDED THAT there is a safe opportunity and I have followed all traffic rules.

The only people to whom I will give an ounce of leeway are the ones driving on parkways in southern New York, upon which you have .06 seconds to merge from the entrance ramp into traffic before you are either in a ditch or suddenly in the exit ramp for the next exit.  Everyone else, I hate you.

So, that covers just one small portion of idiotic/dangerous/rude driver behavior out there.  Rather than going into the details of all the other bad behaviors, I’m going to try to shorten them into a list of sorts.  The following behaviors are not only rude, but are dangerous, careless, and make the “I Hate People” person come out in those of us who actually drive safely:

*people (usually ladies, I’ve noticed) who drive gargantuan vehicles who have never gone off road exploring nor been involved in Armed Combat, usually talking on cell phones and not paying attention to a #$@(^#^^ thing, because, they don’t have to.  They can and will crush any vehicle in their way.
*people (always male) who drive with their shoulders and head in the middle of the car, in order to have their one arm stretched onto the steering wheel in a macho fashion.
*people talking on their cell phones.  The main reason this annoys me is because they never get caught, and I know that if I ever tried to do this, there would be 3 State Troopers pulling me over.
*people who suddenly remember their gas pedal as you’re trying to pass them, even if they’ve been going 22 miles under the speed limit for the last 45 miles.  YOU. SHALL. NOT.  PASS.  Screw you, buddy.
*people who cut you off from behind when entering a motorway and either block your entrance or force you to be the moron driving on the shoulder with your signal on, waiting to get in and causing all sorts of problems.  Wait your effing turn and enjoy your time in Hell with the non lever pullers.
*people who speed or tailgate in poor/low visibility weather conditions.  Thank you for splashing 86 gallons of rainwater onto my windshield and causing complete temporary blindness.  Also, thank you for forcing me to test the limits of my anti-lock and tire balancing system on an ice covered road with my kid in the back seat and someone who is following me so closely I can see their eye color.  Thanks.  The only comfort I take is that the tailgate jerk will get the ticket when he rear-ends me, and will have to live with the guilt of taking the lives of two innocent people just because he was in a hurry or too stupid to slow the hell down.
*people who drive 5 miles under the speed limit in the passing lane.  These are the same people who may have been previously speeding and decide to slow down just as you are behind them, and in the No Zone of a tandem with his left turn indicator flashing.

Oh, I could go on for days, but, you would all be asleep by the time I’ve finished.  As I previously mentioned, I can only surmise that the lot of you are being mind controlled by an alien race.  There are so many out there, ruining the daily commutes and possibly the lives of their fellow human beings, it is truly mind boggling.  Please, challenge yourselves and others to be respectful, law-abiding, and careful road citizens.  Additionally, invest in some aluminum foil covered helmets.  It blocks the alien signals.