In continuing on the theme of Motherhood, I think I should mention that, along with the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book, there should be another book (maybe I'll write it), concerning the "psychology" of Motherhood, that all prospective Moms should have on their nightstand.
Now, this is not going to be about physical punishment of children, as the title may imply. Rather, it is about that funny thing that clicks in your head once you cross over from being a normal person to being a crazed and confused (at times) parent. Since it is mostly illegal and likely fruitless to beat our children senseless, we are forced to become the emotional switch-bearers in their quest to learn about life.
I used to say that anyone can physically take care of a child... you may not be a pro, but you (or any primate... or wolves...) understand that your baby needs to be fed, should have his/her diapers changed regularly, and can't be left out in the rain for extended periods of time. It's not the physical part that is difficult, even if you have only had 3 hours of sleep within a 72 hour period. It's the mental part.
Once you get past the sleepless days, and teething, and learning to walk, and terrible two's, and the first day of school, you enter into a new phase, when your child starts making his/her own decisions about his life and his surroundings.
I never really understood the whole 'this hurts me more' thing, until I became a parent. I'm pretty sure that no one, ever, will understand that phrase, until becoming a parent. I'm guessing that teachers kind of get this, too, to some extent. It is a proven fact that kids, most definitely, do not get it.
Generally, the opportunity to use this phrase (in your head) will arise when some sort of punishment or consequence must be meted out, when your cherub has broken a rule or has directly disobeyed your orders. It is an occasion for which there is no doubt of the culprit, and the punishment has already been discussed, beforehand. Sometimes, there is not even a real punishment that must be enforced, because the disastrous result of your child's decision has created it.
An example here would be something like this:
Your kid was dying for a Game Boy. He was praying and wishing and hoping for a Game Boy. You rob Peter to pay Paul to get the money for the Game Boy. You purchase one for his birthday. The really cool and advanced one, with a free Pokemon game included. He is in love with his new Game Boy.
"You cannot take your new Game Boy to school. It's against the rules, for one thing, and for another, you don't want to risk having it stolen or lost. Let's keep it here and you can play with it when you get home, after you've done your homework. Okay, sweetie-poo?"
Do I even need to proceed with the story?
Now, in this case, there is no punishment for me to enforce. Apart from the fact that I am ticked that all my hard earned cash and excitement about getting him his heart's desire is now flushed down the tubes in one bad moment, there is not much I can do. His punishment is felt in the fact that he no longer has a cool Game Boy with a Pokemon game included. He feels guilt, he is angry, he is upset; partly with himself, and partly with Mom, for being right. No amount of yelling or counsel on my part will bring the toy back, I won't even bother with "I told you so."
He knows.
Maybe he will learn to listen to his wise old mother in the future.
Do I even need to proceed with the story?
Over the years, your child will make decisions that, on the surface, only appear to affect him, but underneath, will affect you, as well. I know that a Game Boy is just a thing. It can be replaced. No one was physically harmed in the process of losing/the stealing of said Game Boy. You know it is ridiculous to feel unappreciated for the fact that you almost had to become a street walker to buy it. You know it is silly to expect him to understand your feelings and your disappointment.
And here's where the click comes in. In all of your mental anguish, one of the worst things you feel is a kind of sadness: when all the kids are playing and challenging each other with their Game Boy's after soccer practice, and your kid is sitting there with nothing.
His dumb decision brought this about. Nothing you can do about it.
You had tried to prevent it. You thought you had done a pretty decent job in raising your child to listen and make informed decisions.
Wrong-o.
I suppose that this is one of the many double-edged scenarios of parenting for which no one prepares you, and about which you should be secretly delighted, as this is where important life lessons are learned.
So, there's the first chapter of the book: Preparing Yourself for Mental Mayhem and the Torture of Watching your Child Learn his Life Lessons.
The ensuing four chapters will address your concerns and keen observations:
Chapter 2. I Don't Think He Learned his Lesson.
Chapter 3. I Still Don't Think He Learned his Lesson.
Chapter 4. I Think I'm Going Crazy Here, but Has He Not Learned his Lesson?
Chapter 5. I'm Going to Lock him In his Room for 15 years.
The years travel by, and you realize that you are stuck in the first five chapters of the book, with no apparent hope of progressing to the Last Chapter, which is, of course, entitled "He's Got his Own Kid, Maybe Now He'll Get It."
You will find yourself questioning your sanity, your ability to be a Mother, whether you might have been very bad in your past life, and the existence of God. What you mostly will question is the mental state of your child, and whether it is in jeopardy, or if he is just doing normal kid things.
"Is it normal for a kid to paint the refrigerator black with shoe polish?"
"Is it normal for a kid to eat the entire chunk of mozzarella cheese upon which I posted a note reading 'DO NOT EAT OR I WILL KILL YOU'?"
"Is it normal for a kid to bring his mouse to school in his lunchbag?"
Normal or not, many of these experiences will require a punishment of some sort. Most "punishments" require no guilt or remorse on the parenting side. He painted the refrigerator, now he can use a toothbrush and un-paint it. And he can forget about allowance, too, since you'll be using that money to buy various products in an attempt to make your refrigerator look normal again.
Fast forward 3 weeks later, when your refrigerator is still light black with a patchy undercoat of Brushed Almond, your bank account is $112 lighter due to failed attempts at fridge refinishing, and, what do you know, it's time for the Annual School Function. You know, the school function for which your child is supposed to save part of his allowance, in order to pay for tickets, games, pony rides, pizza parties, hookers, or whatever else is associated with said Annual Function. Guess who has had no allowance (for 3 weeks- never mind that the rest of it went who knows where) to save? Guess whose fault that is?
If you guessed 'the kid's', you're wrong again, my friend.
Let the Mental Games commence! Which parent will you choose to be?
Ultra Strict parent says: No Go. He didn't hold up his end of the bargain because he saved no money to contribute, too bad.
Somewhat Strict parent says: I will make him do extra chores to work for some money to earn to contribute, and it will only be enough to do 1 or 2 associated activities. And also, no video games for a week. And no complaining.
Not Strict at all parent says: Here's the money, have a great time, Johnny! Loveyalots!
I fall into the second category, for the most part. I won't go into the fact that his completed chores are not even close to white glove standard. Or the fact that he did complain a little about cleaning the toilet with a rag and not the toilet brush.
I will, however, go to the part where, on the Annual Function Day, you know he has to choose between pizza and pony rides. Or the part where his friends got their photos taken with Slappy the Monkey-Clown and he couldn't. Or how he couldn't afford to buy a carnation for his One and Only because he spent it on a Sno Cone for himself. Even though this is all his doing, you feel like crap.
If only he had thought to save some of his money beforehand, when you were constantly reminding him and pointing at the big Annual School Function flyer on the Originally Brushed Almond fridge! And why did he paint the damn fridge black in the first place? Why do kids do such dumb things?
When you're the kid, the main thing you're thinking is that Some Day, your mother will Pay! You think your mother is evil, you think that she sits at home and writes in her diary about how successful her plans to thwart your happiness in life have played out. She'll Pay, when you become a homeless man eating garbage from a dumpster!
When you grow up, and become a parent yourself, you realize that she probably argued about the issue with herself and others, for hours. Maybe she even tried to defend you. She probably wanted to secretly hand you some extra money (and maybe she had, on prior occasions, which you forgot about at the time due to lack of Monkey-Clown photos). Maybe she considered herself a failure as a parent- for not being strict enough, or not being there enough, or not being understanding enough. Maybe it really did hurt her more to see you suffer as a kid, even when your "suffering" was a result of your dumb decisions.
Unfortunately, these epiphanies will take years to discover.
If you are a Mother, you can take consolation in the fact that there will be other, far more dramatic occasions to replace the Game Boy Fridge Incident. For the most part, children are pretty resilient, and, provided that you constantly remind them with speeches and news articles of children who have no shoes or food let alone Game Boys/$250 sneakers/Ferraris, you should survive the first 25 years of Motherhood with at least half of your sanity intact.
I highly suggest that, during those formative years, you befriend some Ultra Strict (rare species) and Not Strict at all (the most prevalent) parents, and perhaps try some of their tactics. Take up a hobby in your spare time, such as horseback riding, or drinking vodka, for example. Cut yourself some slack, and remember that you're trying your best to make your child into a responsible person with good decision making skills.
When you've reached the Last Chapter, and he calls you to ask if it's normal for a child to paint a refrigerator orange, refer him to this page (which will, by then, be part of a Pulitzer Prize winning collection of Short Stories by Madwoman Catherine), and offer him your coupon for 10% Off the Purchase of Paint Removal Supplies.
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