As part of my discussion on The Decline of Humanity, I submit to you my thoughts on the state of gentleman-liness, and it's near extinction from our society.
Now, I haven't gone much into the fact that I happen to be an old fashioned girl. In my young lady formative years, I didn't really consider myself as such; I felt that I was a modern woman who wanted to conquer the world, and would not be stopped just because the ERA wasn't passed.
It seems that, as the years went on, I found that I appreciated and respected those notions which supported the opening of doors and placing of cloaks over puddles. Sure, I can open a door by myself, but isn't it nice to have someone do it for you? Just because you are a lady? I know I'm not a weak lady, so, why should I be offended?
When I was growing up, the Art of Gentlemanlike Conduct was already on the decline. I mainly only saw it in use by older men; my uncles, my father, some random strangers on the bus. We were in the post-60's era, so perhaps there is something to that.
When I was very young, I remember my uncles standing up at the dinner table whenever a female approached or left the table. I remember being in total fascination of this concept.
"Why are you doing that, Uncles?"
"Because you should stand whenever a lady approaches the table."
Lady? What lady?
There are no ladies here. Ladies are royalty, not just a bunch of females living in Albany, New York.
Au contraire, Catherine. These men were brought up with the notion that all females were ladies. Unless they were hookers, of course. And even then, I bet they'd stand if one was present at our dinner table.
As the years went on, that practice went completely out of fashion. Along with a slew of other practices. I have heard it suggested that the Women's Rights Movement put a huge damper on chivalrous activity, and I suppose I can understand that position. Women weren't weak objects to be owned and treated deferentially, we were strong (strong!). We were invincible (invincible!). Roar, etc. All very true, but I still expect a Man to open my door.
When Spenser was growing up, I attempted to instill in him the ideals of what it was to be a gentleman. This is no simple task, since apparently I am one of 3 people in the U.S. attempting this, and, sadly, it seems that there are 0-1 parents of the current female population who expect such ideals. Oh yes, there will be a post about the ladies, too, have no fear.
When I was growing up, the telephone (1 in the house, attached to the wall, with a short cord) had a set of requirements surrounding its usage. No one took phone calls during dinner (and how rude of people to call at such a time), and the girls (when young) did not take phone calls from boys unless permission had been granted ahead of time.
Growing up today, as you know, there are infinite ways of contacting one another, many of which are completely unseen or unregulated by parents. Texts at 2 a.m., email, Facebook, whispered conversations via cell phone in the bathroom.
When Spenser was very young, I'll say, maybe 6, he was asking where the phone was, so he could place a phone call. When I asked who he was calling, he showed me a slip of paper documenting a female name and her phone number. Kids can barely read or write at that age, for Pete's sake. But they sure got that number thing down.
"Why do you need to call her?"
"I don't know. She told me to call."
"Do her parents know that she's giving out her phone number?"
"I don't know. Can I call her?"
"I can't believe that girls are just wantonly giving out their phone number! I bet her parents don't know!"
"I don't know. Can I have the phone?"
"Well, if you're going to call, you're going to speak to one of her parents first and ask permission.... you don't just call a person like that!!...." and on and on I went.
An adult did answer the phone when he called, it happened to be the girl's father, and Spenser introduced himself and asked if it 'was okay' for him to speak to the young lady. The father laughed and handed the phone over.
Now, I realize this is a bit over the line. But I think there needs to be some standard in place. Even if it's an old, outdated one. Even if the parents of 6 year old hoochies don't expect gentlemanly manners, it doesn't mean that my son is excused from practicing them. Heck, maybe it would uncloud their brains and help them to realize that they should have some expectations for the treasured ladies of their household.
I guess that the lack of expectations is a large part of why gentlemen are a dying breed. Girls, growing up, don't expect a boy to open their car door, or any door. They are okay with a boy beeping the horn in the driveway even if the boy has not met her parents (and, what the hell is wrong with these people? they're just letting their daughter get into a car with some random, hormoned up boy????). They expect to fend for themselves, puddles or no puddles, and they are okay with that.
I am all for girls being independent and plucky and able to take care of themselves. And I don't know that they should be raised to expect males to open their doors. But I do think they should be taught to appreciate a dying breed when they see one. Appreciate the fact that the boy, who is mortally embarrassed, will come to the door and meet her parent/s, and he's doing it as a sign of respect for her. Appreciate the effort, at least.
I have, over the years, learned to forgive the fact that parents have forgotten to instill Gentlemanlike ideals in their sons (except in the South, maybe... I hear they're still pretty respectful down there). Just because I'm female on a standing room only bus doesn't mean that a male will willingly offer his seat (imagine my shock when it actually happened, on occasion). I'm not offended when I have to trundle myself out of a car into a standing snowbank. However, I am taking mental notes. Suitors, be warned.
I once went on a blind date, and, though I did try to remember it was the 90's... not the 1890's.... I was muttering inside my head the entire time.
First mistake: the hostess checks our reservation and turns to lead us to our table. Blind date follows her, with me in tow. Doesn't look back to see if I'm even behind him, doesn't check to make sure I haven't been accosted or tripped, doesn't place his hand on my back to lead me to the table, doesn't say, "ladies first." Not a huge deal, but, gives me pause. It's only the first 22 seconds of the date, I'll give it a chance.
Second mistake: Blind date goes on and on and on about how expensive the menu is, that it's unfortunate his friend isn't working because the potential for a 'deal' is lost, expensive menu, hard to get reservation, expensive menu. Needless to say I picked the cheapest items available and insisted that I didn't expect him to pay for me (I'm actually kind of okay with that, even though HE asked ME, it's a blind date, I'm alright with splitting the bill) (grumble).
Third mistake: Blind date leaves me alone at the table within first 12 minutes of arrival. Of course I was having ultra paranoid and $hitty thoughts about myself- that he was going to try to sneak out the window or that he was mortified with my presence. He told me he went out to have a quick smoke because he was nervous. Nervous is endearing and all, but have a little respect. And self control. We had just gotten there, for goodness sake. I don't care if I was the ugliest, most deplorable female on the planet (which I'm not, thank you very much), he should still have some common decency! I don't think that's too much to ask.
Needless to say, when he called to ask for a second date (whaaat!?), I came up with a polite excuse.
Anyway, general lack of expectations and lack of inclined parents are the reason for the demise of the Gentleman. I don't blame Men, since many were simply not raised in this fashion. For the most part, they are still raised with some ideals of decency; don't hit a woman, let her get into the lifeboat first. It's sad, though, that the little extras have become so unfashionable.
If you happen to be a Man, I challenge you to endure one week in which you attempt to display gentlemanly manners to the ladies (strangers or not) in your vicinity.
Open every door for her. Use the phrase "ladies first", and not in the context of a joke. Take your lady's hand as she steps out of the car. Don't abandon her within 10 minutes of your first date. Make her walk on the inside of the sidewalk (the side farthest from the street), because, as a gentleman, you are protecting her from out of control horses and buggies and puddle splashes. Offer your seat on the bus or train. I guarantee that you will receive very satisfactory results, and will be the envy of every man in your surroundings.
And, if you happen to be a Lady, I challenge you to act like one.
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P.s. In my Mother's Day card, the following was written: Thanks for teaching me to be a gentleman, because there aren't that many out there today, and I appreciate the fact that you took the time to raise me the right way. Awwww.
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