Friday, May 11, 2012

My cat is a perv and other observations

This is just a random post to keep you occupied whilst breathlessly awaiting our next themed topic... which will be, for those of you wondering, "The Decline of Humanity."  Deep stuff.

So, the title.  Yes.

My cat, Mario, is one of the more fascinating creatures with which I have daily contact.  The saying "...follows me around like a puppy dog" should be changed to "...follows me around like a Mario."  For reasons unknown, he seems to have an overwhelming need to be at my side, at all times, night and day.  I don't get it.

He does do all of those annoying/strange cat things, like, walking in front of my feet when I'm carrying a load of laundry or my collection of Ming vases.  Or turning into Linda Blair (a la 'The Exorcist') when he comes into contact with catnip.  Or headbutting my arm as I'm about to take a sip of coffee.  But, this thing with following me around borders on a little obsessive.

If he could get past his life preserving hatred of water, I'm pretty sure that he would be the only cat on this planet who could be convinced into taking showers. I say this, because Mario sits in the bathroom while I'm taking a shower.  Not curled into a ball on the rug or longingly gazing out the window (my shower is far away from the window, and hence, there is no real need to cover it up, as I do when toilet activities are involved), but, sitting at attention, outside the bathtub, staring at the shower curtain.  If the curtain is not fully closed, I can see him, sitting there, staring.  If I open the curtain, mid-shower, he sometimes rambles over and seems to contemplate joining me.

After the shower, his eyes do not leave me.  To the point where I get paranoid.  As I'm drying off and combing my hair, and talking to myself about the never ending pile of laundry, there he sits.  Staring.... staring.... staring... it's unnerving.  Because it's not the staring look of ''oo I'm getting a can of wet food'' or the staring look of "I think there's a murderer at the door'' or the staring look of ''I'm gonna get that frickin moth.''  It's a different stare.  Not contemplative, not bored, not lecherous, just.... something else.



Now, I know that his life must not be overly thrilling- he's an indoor cat, so it's not like there is much hunting or carousing with female cats that he can do in my home- but, come on.  Isn't there anything more interesting to look at or do?  Shouldn't he be napping somewhere?  Using his litter box?  Solving the problem of World Hunger?

 I have tried to reason that perhaps he is just intrigued by the water behind the curtain.  I'm not sure if it's just Mario, or if all cats are like this, but he is transfixed by water and all of its machinations.  The water going down the drain when I'm washing the dishes... the water in the toilet....even when it's flushing... the water in the glass at my bedside table (which, I discovered one night, he was DRINKING....ew!)....the water dripping from the eaves on a rainy day.  The only water he is not remotely interested in is the fresh drinking water contained in a coffee cup on the counter.  It's in a coffee cup because I thought he would be more interested in drinking from something that was human-related.  Nope.  Anyway, I went off point there.

I've discounted that it is the water that brings him into my shower sessions, because he's still staring at me when the water is off.  Also, while my cat is hypnotized by water, he also channels the Wicked Witch of the West if a tiny drop touches him.  Thus, I have come to the conclusion that my cat, as gorgeous and strange as he is, is a bit of a pervert.  I guess, in his defense, at least he's not trying to hide the fact, like his peeping brother, Tom.

Until I have received a scientific explanation for his staring at me naked, I'm going with the perv angle.  And while I'm waiting for that, perhaps I'll also get the answer as to why he decides to flex his claws when they are positioned dangerously close to my jugular vein.... or why he is drooling or nose-dripping (haven't figured which it is) on me when I'm petting him.... or why, when there was a mouse on the counter in the kitchen, he was sitting on the other counter staring at me, instead.... even when I was pointing at it, telling him to get it.... or why he'd rather drink the water from the toilet, or from a grease mixed with dishwashing liquid pan in the sink...or why, when he's attempting to cover his leavings in his litter box, he is randomly pawing the air, the wall, the curtain, pretty much anything other than the litter in the box...... or why, when he's lying on my chest, he'll subtly place his paw over my nose.....or why....

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P.s.  I have actually looked on line for the answers behind some of his behaviors.  I was particularly intrigued by some of the superstitions surrounding cats and their attempts at killing babies in cradles; mainly because I was pretty sure he was trying to suffocate me through various methods.  I have found some answers, and guess what.. a lot of this stuff is believed to be related to... you guessed it.... the cat version of breastfeeding and weaning.

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